In which I share a difficult (not so) secret

This post has (obviously) been sitting, unfinished, in blogger for quite some time.  Today, I felt the need to bring it to some kind of completion and publish it.

By now, you have probably heard or read the NRA's response to the December massacre in Sandy Hook calling for (of course) more guns.  While I will not express my feelings about that particular aspect of this speech, I do want to address a less publicised call for a national registry of mentally ill people.  Let me allow you to mull that over for a moment.  A national. registry. for mentally ill people.  Exactly who would be on this registry?  People with autism?  Schizophrenia?  Down Syndrome? Those who battle with manic-depression?  What about women who experience postpartum depression?  Teenagers who struggle more heavily transitioning into young-adulthood than others?  Should all of these people be stigmatised?  I ask you to consider, for a moment the people that you know and love.  Think about the state of the economy and just how difficult it can be to find even a mediocre job.  Now consider that approximately 1 in 4 adults suffer from some form of mental illness.  That means that unless you have fewer than four people that you love, there's a very good chance that one of them probably struggles in some way with some form of mental illness.  What good would a registry consisting of 26.2% of the population do?  Is anyone really naive enough to believe that the stigma of having to register like some sort of criminal is going to help someone who is mentally ill?  What do you think that's going to do for their chances of finding that mediocre job?  Forget about a GOOD job.  You are probably aware that homelessness in the US is at epic proportions, and that mental illness is listed as one of the leading causes of being homeless.  How would a national registry for mentally ill folks impact the homeless epidemic?  What about the unemployment rate?

Mental illness is no laughing matter.  It impacts us all in some way, yet of all the different kinds of illness a person can have, none is so gravely misunderstood, or so often swept under the rug.  Seeking help is confusing and overwhelming.  Mental health care is typically covered under a different plan than regular health care.  Even with insurance, care is costly, and can be quite difficult to find providers that do accept health insurance.  It seems that because there's no litmus test - mental health is not determined by a blood draw, or X-ray, but by people who talk about your feelings - that there are those who disregard these illness as unimportant or "all in your head".  A very wise friend once told me "You know, if someone has poor eyesight, we don't tell them 'Well, if you just pray about it enough, God will make your eyes better.'  We tell them to go to a doctor and get glasses."  As a Christian, however, that's often what people do.  Just yesterday, I saw this video stream in my facebook feed with an awful "pastor" saying that "No Christian ought to be on psychiatric drugs, period" (among other things).  Because, apparently, you can preach away a chemical imbalance. * cough * bullshit * cough *

All this is hitting very close to home for me for a very real reason.  My Ana struggles with depression and self-harm.  I've kept it quiet, but it's really no secret.  We live in a small town, and just a few weeks ago she was put in handcuffs in front of the entire school, as everyone was leaving, shoved in a police car, and taken to a mental hospital, as though she was not depressed, but a common criminal.  They know she struggles.  They know we're doing everything in our power to help her.  Doctors, medication, analysing every. little. thing we do.  All to try to make her understand just how loved she is and to help her get better.  Why in the world they thought that a child struggling with depression would somehow be helped by being humiliated in front of the entire school just because she had written her feelings down in a notebook and had a few very superficial cuts on her arm is absolutely beyond me.  Frankly, she had been having a rough week and was denied access to the school counselor, AND they neglected to contact us to let us know that she was having a difficult time of it.  This entire incident was absolutely caused by the school's actions.  You know what happened when the counselor at the hospital evaluated her (after the mandatory overnight stay)?  They called and said "Come get her.  I don't know why they sent her.  This could have been dealt with by her usual care providers."  I just don't even know how we're supposed to best help her.  I don't think homeschooling is the best idea, because she needs a LOT of positive reinforcement and a LOT of loving people in her life.  On the other hand, what's going on at school doesn't exactly seem positive, either.

I honestly don't really know where, originally, I was going with this post.  When I began it back in January, I think I had a very specific end in mind, but it has since flown the coop, so to speak.  At this point, I think I just want to raise awareness, as cheesy as that sounds.  Look around you today, and recognise that 1 out of every 4 people you see is probably struggling with some form of mental illness.  Many more of the people that you see - probably all - will have, in some way, been affected by it.  My Ana is a beautiful, highly intelligent, extraordinarily tender-hearted young lady, who happens to have issues with the way she perceives the world around her.  Family members, especially parents, of people with depression struggle (and are often more susceptible to depression themselves) enormously, as well.  They lie awake at night wondering what they did wrong, if something they did caused it.  Sometimes that answer is yes, but for the most part, it's not.  I have beat myself up (and sometimes still do, truth be told) until I realised that I am a good mother.  Not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, but good.  We could have gotten her help sooner - it's not easy to admit that you can't give your child all the love and affirmation that they need.  It's not easy to admit that, although you talk to that child and work with that child, that although you dedicate your life to giving them everything you possibly can, that you're not enough -  but the end result would have been the same.  Maybe not quite so many bumps along the way, but we still would have a child who struggles with depression.

One of the things I've discovered in this journey is that, unfortunately, you are going to lose some friends over it.  Because mental illness is so gravely misunderstood, people don't realise just how emotionally taxing it is.  Until you've got it under control, your whole life becomes all about how you can help that person.  So you end up dismissed as high-maintenance, or selfish.  Perhaps you have to cut back on outside activities, or spend less time with friends, and people resent you for it.  Whatever.  You probably weren't really mentally present for those activities anyway.  And obviously those people weren't emotionally invested enough in you to stick it out.  So give yourself a break.  The other thing I've discovered is that families of people struggling with mental illness need to stick together.  I wish there were some kind of online community to turn to (feel free to link me one if you know!)  I'm sure, if I looked, I could find a support group of some sort but, good golly, miss molly, where would I find time for it?

I guess what I really want to say is that if you or someone you love is struggling with depression or another form of mental illness you are not alone.  Don't be ashamed.  Don't be afraid to get help.  If you are a parent of a child who is depressed, it's probably not your fault. Don't wait another day to make that appointment.  Pick up the phone right now and find yourself a good doctor.  And when you're through, if you want to, give me a call.  I totally understand.

40 lashes with a wet noodle for me!

I know, I know.  My blogging habits have been woefully inadequate this year.  I could make excuses.  I could tell you that Zachariah sees the laptop out and thinks that it's out for him to play on.  I could say that getting the girls transitioned into public school has been a much, much bigger undertaking than I anticipated.  I could easily say that Jonathan has been gone a LOT and I've been struggling to keep my head above water.  I could use studying as an excuse.  All that would be true.  The fact is, however, that if I had really wanted to find time to blog, I could have made the time.  It has been much easier to upload photos directly from my phone to facebook with quick little captions.  So 40 lashes with a wet noodle for me!  I have neglected my blog, and I will try to be a little better about it in the future.  It looks like the last time I posted any pictures here was in July, so here is a very brief synopsis of what we've been doing in the months since then.

August
Celestia and Ana have returned to public school this year.  I cannot begin to describe what an enormous transition this has been for all of us.  The first few weeks, Zachariah looked for his sisters frequently and was considerably more prone to breakdowns.  Our mornings getting the girls out the door look something like this.

September

Ana turned 13!!!  I am now officially a mom of two teenage girls!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Ana's first school dance on her last night of being 12!

 

Being silly outside the Rainforest Cafe.

October

Jonathan and Zachariah had birthdays!  I seriously can't believe our baby is TWO!

Zachariah and I went to the Dallas Zoo together to celebrate his birthday and had SO much fun!

Playing in the water at the zoo.

Yum, birthday cake!

Daddy was out of town for both his birthday and Z's, so we went back to the zoo!  :)

November

Hey look, I'm caught up!  We had family pictures taken.  So far, I've only seen the preview, but I think good things are to come, don't you?

Everyone should go check out Kalie Evelyn's page right now!  She is a recent graduate of our homeschool co-op and is starting her own business.  If you're in north Collin County, I highly recommend having this young lady take some photos for you!

I have a secret.

I have a secret.  I guess it's not going to be a secret for long.  I'm 32 years old and I've finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up.  In the days after I had Zachariah, as I slowly came back to reality (man those drugs they give you after surgery are killer!) I realised that it wasn't supposed to be this way.  Why would God (or Mother Nature, if you prefer) make our bodies to create beautiful new life and not create a way for us to bring that life into the world?  The answer is that he didn't.  The original intent of a cesarean section was to separate a baby from a dead mother.  Sometimes that child survived, sometimes it was simply to satisfy religious edicts that a woman not be buried while she was pregnant.  Now don't misunderstand me, I KNOW that c-sections save lives.  One saved my sister's life, and her son's.  However, the national percentage for cesarean births reached a staggering 32% in 2007 (the most recent year that final data is available), which is more than double what the WHO recommends.  So I've decided to stop being pissed off about the medicalization of birth, and do something about it.  Namely, I wish to study to become a midwife.  This process is going to take me a few years.  Currently, I have a lovely son who despises bottles.

I'm not going to be able to leave him at a moment's notice.  My wonderful husband travels for a living, so I'm not sure how I'm going to juggle that with these lovelys.

But I do know that I have to try, because this was not how it was meant to be.

My first step is to be certified as a Trust Birth Facilitator.  I'm working on my training now, and hope to start running meetings by summer.  At least that way I can start to get the word out that birth is natural.  I think somewhere along the line, we've forgotten that.  If I'm stepping on any toes here, I apologise.  Please remember that I had three very medical births, so I'm preaching to myself here as much as anyone else.  I read a great article the other day about being an activist.  It basically said that people are passionate about things because they've been touched by that particular subject in a profound way.  And I have.  If you really want to know the ugly details, I could tell you about my first birth.  It would turn your stomach.  If I had known then that midwives still existed and practised, I may have come to this conclusion 13 years ago.  Regardless, I'm here now, and I'm telling you because I want to be held accountable.  I know that this is going to turn our lives upside down.  There are probably going to be days when I'm not so sure about this course of action, but I will not quit.  Because I'm sure that birth should be much more like this

and much less like this.

Twenty-Ten

It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

2009 brought many changes to our family.  As I  predicted last year, it was indeed, a good year.  Some of the changes did not, at first, seem like good ones.  Almost no one really wants to be laid off, but it turned out to be a blessing in disguise.  I thought I would stay home, and then found out some important things about myself...  I have no business trying to run my own business, and I really need a job outside my home, even if it's just a part time one.  I went back to work and that, too has been a blessing for our family.

This was Jonathan's second full year traveling, and we have settled into a routine that works without anyone else locking herself out of the house.  He's still enjoying his job, and it looks like some interesting things could be happening there this year.  We'll be waiting to see!

Both of our girls are now in double digit ages, and Celestia passed me up quite some time ago.  We will continue to homeschool, as we LOVE it, and I am so blessed to be able to have such a direct impact on these beautiful girls' education!

This year, our New Year's Eve was spent playing our latest game from Santa - Ticket to Ride.  We enjoyed staying up late, having snacks, and sparkling pear juice.  At midnight, we toasted the new year with sparkling grape juice, and all kissed each other.  Jonathan may or may not have gotten an extra kiss or two from me!  ;)  I am looking forward to the new year, and all the changes it will bring to our family.  I think there are going to be some good ones!  Bring it on, Twenty-Ten!

Kisses 'n' Wags

Announcing Kisses 'n' Wags dog walking 'n' in-home pet sitting services, by ME! As you probably know, I have been laid off not once, but twice in the last year, and I think it's time to take matters into my own hands. I have always been of the mindset that if you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself, and I think it's about time that my career was done right, don't you? I have a blog under construction for the service, and will be working on it in the weeks to come. If you live in the Anna, Texas area PLEASE spread the word for me! Whether you live here or not, please pray, pray, pray that if this is God's will for our family that He will throw the door wide open for me. So many of you have told me that you have been praying for us and especially my job situation, and I cannot tell you what that has meant to me! Thank you ALL for your prayers and support, and I hope to see your doggies, soon! :)

It's time

Usually, I try to keep these posts fun and light-hearted, after all, I am one blessed woman! I do have one little problem, though... I got laid off from my job in mid-February. I have been looking intensely from the very day I received the news and have had NO nibbles! I was given only two weeks severance, plus a week's vacation, and I'm coming up on three weeks that I have been out of work. Luckily, this is Jonathan's busy time of year, so he's making extra with all the traveling that he's doing, and we're not spending as much on gas when he's out of town. We're still OK for now, but I would prefer not to have to dip into our savings. I have an appointment with a staffing agency on Thursday. I hope that will bring me a few more leads, but right now SO many people are in the same boat I am, that I fear I will have a tremendous amount of competition. Please pray for God to lead me to the right places and people and work His will on my life. If any of you in the Dallas/Collin County area need a very capable administrative assistant, I'm your girl! :)

*sigh*

I turned 30 last Thursday. Yep, that's right, t-h-i-r-t-y. Not happy about that. I have no pictures to post of this occasion. Nothing exciting really happened, except that Jonathan flew home from New York that day shortly before the plane that crashed into the Hudson. (I thank God every time I see him standing by the baggage carousel, with another trip behind us.) I have a confession to make... I've been dreading this day for an entire year. I really never thought that a certain age would bother me, but for some reason, this one does. I don't look around at other thirty-somethings and think "Wow! They're old!", but for some reason, I feel like I am. Does anyone want to try and explain this nonsensical reasoning?

Happy New Year!

I think 2009 is going to be a great year! Don't ask me why. I don't really have a concrete answer for you.

Maybe it's because our girls actually managed to stay up with us until midnight for the first time ever this year. It made me deliriously happy to have them awake, and happy. We watched the hockey game, and the Stars actually won! :) After that, the girls proceeded to watch both of the new Barbie movies that they got for Christmas, and were so sweet singing the songs along with them.

Maybe it's because I've got some fun ideas for decorating our house, and I plan on actually doing so. After all, it's only been four years and I still have builder white walls! HAHA!

Maybe it's just because I'm an optimist.

Whatever the reason, I'm looking forward to what the new year will bring, and wish all of you a HAPPY 2009!